Log in

No account? Create an account
Fantasy Is What People Want [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | My Website ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[14 Feb 2005|11:16pm]
ok...so...here's the deal...i made a new journal


why? because i can.

this is the last post in this journal

and a warning...my new journal is going to be friends only...and i haven't transferred any of my friends from this journal to it...so if you want to be able to read it...you have to go comment...and then i will add you

goodbye old journal...
Would you die for me?

the secret to highly orgasmic women is aregano [31 Jan 2005|01:25pm]
in the words of elana: i look like shit, i feel like shit, therefore, i'm shit.

my spin on it: i look like death, i feel like death, therefore, i'm dead.

happiness? i think not.

i was watching Every 17 Minutes the Crowd Goes Crazy today and it made me miss people terribly...people like mickey<333333333 and alon<333 and all the other people in that cast that i know...and it just made me miss camp in general...i do believe that was the show during which zoe completely covered my legs in graffiti[sp?] and funny stories about bunnies and cuddly bears...and it was raining that day and after the show we brought all the guys into our bunk and got yelled at by nicole but we didnt care b/c it was the last day and we just wanted to be together...god i miss french woods...i want to go home =(

to all my french woods lovers

i do believe in february there's like some holiday...presidents day or something...where we have a 3 day weekend...[february 19-21 i think?]...well the saturday of that 3 day weekend...whether or not its 3 days for u guys up there...reunion in the city???? e-mail me [decoolgrl@aol.com] or IM me [u all have my sn] or SOMETHING so we can make plans...i need to see you guys again...i miss you all and love you all more than life itself [or death itself depending on whos reading this ;)]...WE NEED TO BE REUNIONING!...and inform mali and teri and sean and all the other people who don't read my lj!!!!

and on a side note...i hate this feeling of helplessness and lack of control i have...in general and even with my own actions...like i cant even control myself...for example...running...i feel completely helpless to stop myself...its not a fun feeling.
6 suicides| Would you die for me?

[22 Jan 2005|11:39am]

i refuse to explain...because i believe no explanation is necesarry.
1 suicide| Would you die for me?

[20 Jan 2005|12:31pm]
greatly amusing line i saw on ER today:

"i have a hangnail on my toe and it really hurts but the service here is terrible *blah blah blah*"
"i have a brain tumor. i win."
1 suicide| Would you die for me?

[02 Jan 2005|11:47pm]

looky looky looky!

ben made me a pretty picture!

=D <3333
8 suicides| Would you die for me?

i focus on the pain...the only thing thats real [08 Dec 2004|02:39pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

before-sat there feeling like death
spanish-pals was easy...part after pals was annoying...but i got a homework pass outta it...so woohoo
theater-k was being crazy at the beginning of class and it made me laugh a lot =)...i am going to hurt daniel chestnut...he wasnt there...again...so me and sondra couldn't really reherse much
lunch-i hate the world. i dont think so about one of the four...i lie...2...and i realized although i thought im looking for a boyfriend...really im just looking for a shoulder attatched to big strong arms attatched to a person who is my friend...and joy and fucking rapture...blaine decided today to talk to me and try and be all nice w/ shit like "oh thats so fucked up that they did it"..."why wud he go for her when he had u thats just idiotic"...just shit that coming from him made me want to strangle him...and thank god for self control...b/c without it something woulda been broken today...whether it would have been school probably or a body part [preferably neck] i dont know yet
alg2-too much work...and i kept falling asleep x_x
history-im not easily grossed out...but brendan seems to manage...he stuck a piece of a pen in his eye...ewwy
after-zoned to pearl jam but ended up thinking about what i always think about...and no its not what you think it is...i can GAURANTEE that


and btw...i decided to friend only from here on out...starting with all entries after this [unless i make one w/ a FO banner]...so if u want to read but rnt friended...comment.

3 suicides| Would you die for me?

[07 Dec 2004|11:10pm]
livejournal angers me

apparantly there is no way to set the default setting as "friends only"
so if i wanted to make the layout pretty so if yr not friended all u see is my FO banner...id have to edit every entry ive ever made and make them all FO
i think id rather shoot myself

so now i must either make a new username
not bother with a banner and just make everything from here out friends only
or give up and leave it so all can read

4 suicides| Would you die for me?

[07 Dec 2004|08:09pm]
it hurts like holy fucking hell to walk...i mean god...fucking hurts...and its not like its one leg so i can just favor it...its both...and they hurt equally bad...and...gah...PAIN

ask me any question you want
but every question will have the same answer
"i don't know"

*deep breaths*

oh and btw...once i find a friends only banner i like...this is becomming friends only...so if u read this and i dont know...i reccomend u inform me...or if u read this but dont have a journal...i reccomend u get one
2 suicides| Would you die for me?

yes i know im updating a lot...wtf u gonna do about it? [07 Dec 2004|05:32pm]
[ mood | bitchy...b/c im being one ]

wow...i just stumbled upon this crazy song with crazy lyrics that i LOVE
"Hey Foxymophandlemama, That's Me" by pearl jam
it roxors...roxors damn hard...although the lyrics at the beginning are somewhat odd

i feel like such an evil bitch. in my big entry today...i talked about how i thought factors were part of why someone was being nice to me...nicer than that someone has been all week...and...i mean...i still think the factor could've affected it...but gah...i'm being way over analytical...why cant i ever just accept the few good things life gives me...like people being nice to me [and right now im talking talking about someone...im talking about people]...grr...i feel like such a bitch for always being so suspicious and thinking "oh god! alterior[sp?] motives!"...granted its an excellent defense mechanism...but it was recently established im a terrible judge of when its safe to let my gaurd down anyway...so why bother being defensive in the first place...its never done me any good...its gotten me to run away from things that coulda made me happy...3 times now ive done that...and when it doesnt make me run away b/c for once i let my defenses down...i do it in the worst possible relationship to do so in and fuck things over for myself much worse than if i had just been defensive...gah so much is changing in my mind and just...everythings a mess...hence all my rambling in here that no one takes seriously...which admitadely is quite possibly a good thing

i have thought about it real, uhh, real deep...
yes, i believe i would...

4 suicides| Would you die for me?

[07 Dec 2004|03:34pm]
i made myself a new pretty colorful icon with my current favorite lyric =)

We are all candy covered on the outside
Peel away the shell and we're rotten on the inside

5 suicides| Would you die for me?

hearts and thoughts they fade [07 Dec 2004|02:48pm]
[ mood | undecided ]

so i did NOT want to be alive when i woke up this morning...so i didnt get to school until early in 2nd block where i had chem...
chem-took a tested...aced it or failed it...im hoping for the former of the two =\...and then i finished the snowflake...maze...thing...and then i highlighted it =) yay for being highlighter happy!
lunch-talked to scott at the beginning but i had to go to english and turn in my paper and figure out what i missed...then i found alex and talked to him for awhile...then we went up to the theater lobby where there was luke n brendan n brett n melissa n just generally crazy people...and brett had a poptart...and it was old and moldy and scary like...and brett was smacking people with it...and brendan killed it...and then put some of it down bretts shirt...and they were throwing it...and me and melissa almost got caught in the crossfire...and melissa showed me a random ass movie of people...and then the camera flicked me off >_< haha...but yeah...luke was friendly today...yay pendulum!!!
gym-didnt do much...weight lifted...almost got hit in the face with a medicine ball...played knockout...hit chris in the stomach with a basketball...hard...he deserved it...that boy is such an ass sometimes and no one ever puts him in his place...so i did the honors...and didnt feel a bit guilty =)
history-roman[sp?] thought me n brendan were a cute couple...but i doubt roman would know...has he ever gotten any?...oh...and i stole bretts mouse pad =)...and hit brendan with it repetidely[sp to the max]
after-mmm...absolutely nothing

i hate it when like...one day someone completely avoids u and ignores u...and the next is all friendly like nothing was ever wrong...and one factor changed which is possibly just coincidental...but still a possible and now that i think about it probable factor

once divided...nothing left to subtract...
some words when spoken...can't be taken back...
walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking...
future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking...
caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...
isn't it something?
she once believed...in every story he had to tell...
one day she stiffened...took the other side...
empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...
one just escapes...one's left inside the well...
and he who forgets...will be destined to remember...
isn't it something?
oh, she don't want him...
oh, she won't feed him...after he's flown away...
oh, into the sun...ah, into the sun...
isn't it something?
coulda' been something...

and another little side note...i wish we[or i guess more "i"] could pretend it never happened...and just be normal friends who act like friends and talk and laugh and don't feel akward or uncertain[the akward and uncertain part im 99% sure is i not we]...just...gah...i wish i could forget it happened...or convince myself it didnt...or...something
but i cant.

1 suicide| Would you die for me?

sha na na na na na don't be shy... [06 Dec 2004|10:29pm]
you gotta kiss the girlCollapse )

soooo yeah...life is crazy...my love/sex life is crazy and confusing and painful and awesome...my school life is going down the drain...basketballs a manwhore...and teen drama is taking over the world! run and hide you silly mortals...run and hide!

I can't exist anymore
till I destroy you
I hate everyone
Don't know what to do
Ingesting flesh and bone
makes me a cannibal
Or am I criminal?
I feel so horrible

Now everything's horrible

Sucking on colorforms
Becoming see through
Still hating everyone
as I detest you
I do not feel wrong
this makes me durable
or am I criminal
I'm so damn horrible

Now everything's horrible

Fade into yesterday
Searching for my youth
Trying to digest it all
Searching for the truth
Self centered devil spawn
This makes me durable
Or am I criminal
I'm fucking horrible

Now everything's horrible

Now everything's horrible
Would you die for me?

i am a butterfly. [06 Dec 2004|05:22pm]
[ mood | devious ]

before-i hate this...we have all the same friends...and hes clearly avoiding me so i cant even talk to some of my friends right now
spanish-oh god my group was crazy...david is stupid...and there will be no "el asiano techno-o"
theater-watched my scene from crucible...more dramatic than i thought...and the whole mimicking of an old crone bit will be extremely difficult
lunch-so...the plan was i would hide from them in the theater room with eric b/c im not emotionally ready to be around...that...but of course...they were fucking in there...and i went outside to see if john n scott were there but they werent...so i talked to brendan for a bit...and talked to chris who told me crazy things...and told beth wat happened...she thinks its wrong too...and i feel like being such a pushover for being so nice to those i wish bad things upon...i ended up going crazy on a tack...and breaking it =)
alg2-failed the test...yay for missing the class of reviewing!
history-brendan is hitting puberty...aww =)...or at least thats what me n andrea decided ;p
after-talked to brett...i was right although he wouldnt admit it at the time...crazy bastard

sooooo yeah...crazy things going through my mind...and all of these things are juniors...and yeah...iono...i think i may have found me a hook up buddy as long as he stays single...so yay sexy hookups! =)

1 suicide| Would you die for me?

is this what you wanted? [05 Dec 2004|11:57pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

its a crazy world we live in...a crazy crazy world.

so basically...today...i did nothing...except edited my english paper so it is now completely ready to be turned in...and i kinda started studying for chem...but did VERY little...and i had basketball practice tonight...first one i've gone to...second one there's been...my team is terrible...on offense...only one other girl moves...and i played with her last year...but b/c of a lack of team mates...me n her depended on simply passing to one another...almost all the baskets we made in the scrimage were fastbreaks where one of us made the assist and the other scored...joy ;p

but yeah...iono...im less bitter and spiteful right now...maybe im making progress...maybe im hiding my feelings from myself...who knows...and yeah...im like...turning into brett in a way...because you see...im developing an infatuation with a person i talked to once over a week ago...a hott person...but a person ive talked to once...oh well...unless i talk to him again it shall fade soon...and then theres he who tormented me for a year...who [know that im single] wants me back and wants us together again...he even told me last night he regrets not having had a serious relatioship w/ me when we went out...but thing is...although hes a great friend and i love talking to him...im really not interested...which in a way makes me happy b/c it means i wont go down that road and get hurt again...but then part of me wishes i still liked him and could give him a second chance...oh well...for now...if anything happens it'll be a random hook up and nothing more...and then theres a third...who i had a fling with at one point...and i know i probably cant b/c it would be wrong to do...but still...i remember it and him being fun...and part of me wants to get back into that and see if it would actually work out...and then theres a fourth [i swear...if i get to five ill stop]...and hes on the rebound...and hes pretty...and hes fun to play with...and i dont know how i feel about him...all i know...is hes pretty...and fun to play with...im tempted to make up a fifth just so i can annoy those few who read this =)...but thats pointless...and im tired...so i wont

but yes...as you can see [*points up*]...my eyes are wandering and have picked out several possibilities...none of which are all too realistic...but still...we'll see what happens =)


2 suicides| Would you die for me?

[05 Dec 2004|04:28pm]
i may have done this before...but i am determined to procrastinateCollapse )

"My God! I can't take any more of this - first you spurn me for Eddie, then you cast him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and then spit them out - I loved you, do you hear me - I LOVED YOU - And what did it get me - I'll tell you - a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, take! You drain others of their love and emotions. Well, I've had enough. You've got to choose between me and Rocky - so named because of the rocks in his head."

Frank throws a switch, she turns to stone.
Would you die for me?

List 10 different statements about 10 different people without including their name [05 Dec 2004|04:09pm]
i've done this before...but the people in my life and my relations with them are constantly changing...so 'ere goes....

1] we lost touch for like a month...but now we're talking again...a lot...and getting back into things i thought were dead now...but apparantly not...i have no idea where things are heading with us now...all i know is that this should be interesting...and im glad we're talking again...[and if i did it next weekend...ud neeeeever know!]

2] idk whats happening to us...its probably entirely my fault...ive lost it and u were the innocent bystander caught in the cross fire...sometimes i really am just being a bitch to you...but sometimes i really do think you provoke me...you just never understand why...im sorry to be bringing you down like this and adding unneccesary drama to your life...you know i love you to death and you're one of my best friends ever...*offers hand* truce? [sp?]

3] we were friends...or at least i thought we were...but you fucking stabbed me in the back...and you deserve the guilt trip you're getting for what you did...and you fucking know it...you knew it was wrong and you did it anyway...so stop apologizing and you're sorry because you "feel bad"...you did it to yourself and you deserve to feel like shit because of it

4] you...god where to begin...you lied to me about everything and made promises you knew you couldn't keep...but because of all the lies i was lead to believe were true i believed you...i warned you i had committment issues...why couldnt you have had the decency to warn me about what you're capable of...i know why...because you're a cold blooded killer who sits up there on his fucking pedastol fucking over people and enjoying it...you lied about her too...the entire fucking 7 weeks you lied about her...if you were "trying not to hurt me" you never shudda asked me...you shudda asked her back then and been happy little rabbits fucking every weekend...i dont know why im going on about this...w/ yr ego wadda u care how yr actions affect people you "love"...one of these days you'll get whats coming to you...and when that day comes ill smile.

5] you and i started getting close recently...possibly because right now we understand completely what the other person is going through...because its pretty much the same thing...i really hope you take care of yourself and don't do anything too bad...i'd really miss you if you did =(

6] [this one applies to 2 people] we've been friends a lil over a year now...and im glad to have u as a friend...it feels like yr getting distant...maybe just b/c you go to a different school now...but i really hope we stay friends and we continue to hang out...much love to you<33

7] i miss you. i really do. i can still see the scar i made for you...even though its been over a year now...you were the only person to ever completely understand me...and whether or not u appreciated me i miss you and i wish you were back in my life...although i know you never will be

8] you live pretty far away...but i still feel close to you...i almost got to go up there to go to a concert with you...but that didnt end up working out...although i wish it had =(...i hope we always stay close and that next summer on your road trip you come get me and take me away with you =)

9] so u n i just started talking really recently...and im glad...b/c u let me rant and you listen and you understand...and you're the only person doing that for me right now...so i thank you...and you know if you ever need to rant or bitch that im here =)

10][once again...applies to 2 people] we've really grown apart since you've switched school...we used to be tight as anything...but now we barely talk...and i miss you...and i wish we were still good friends...but wishing won't change that...so if you wanna be close again call sometime

well weren't some of those flamingly obvious =)
5 suicides| Would you die for me?

insanity calls. [04 Dec 2004|10:10pm]
[ mood | cold...emotionally cold ]

this might be such a wrong thing to say b/c it's terrible to even think what i'm about to say...but "frankly my dear, i don't give a damn"

promise not to bitch at me?Collapse )

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds and lullabies
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me....

Would you die for me?

la la la [04 Dec 2004|07:34pm]
[ mood | heehee ]

so last night i talked to jamie again...hadnt talked to him in awhile...we were on the phone for like 3 hours...it was great haha...and i talked to his roommate will...will seems cool too...and it was nice to talk to jamie again...if they get their hands on a car hopefully ill see them next weekend =)

aaaaaand i spent today watching the princess bride...and then more of gone with the wind...and then i met up w/ john n scott n cory at whole foods...and we went to baskin robbins...and to a playground...and being at the playground rocked...and we went back to baskin robbins so that things cud rock more...but then they couldnt...so we went to popeyes and ate...and talked about crazy shit...like how if popeyes was w/ a bunch of stoner kids hed beat them up and be like "dont smoke pot...eat spinach!"...and we talked about scooby doo...and just...crazy shit...and it was fun...but then they had to leave...so now im here

i wanna get out of the house again cuz 2 people are online and that alone is stirring emotions...i wanna move to ny...either w/ my babys in nyack or my babys on long island or my babys in westchester...life is better when im w/ new york people

i had a crazy dream last night...me n luke were in school...at lunch like right outside the auditorium...and we yelled and screamed at each other...and b/c of what was said...he beat me to death

i woke up smiling.

Would you die for me?

[03 Dec 2004|11:30pm]
my instincts were right the whole fucking time
but i didnt listen to them
and i actually have information this time besides just what i see
god...some fucking "friends"
and their not just doing it to me
that wouldnt piss me off so much
they're doing it to a friend of mine
who is also a "friend" of theirs
and if i lose that friend over this
i might actually go through with killing them
and of course myself because prison would not be fun
god fuck it all

i thought there might be something more there
and in the back of my mind i knew there was
but i ignored it
so yes this is partially my own fucking faul
but god damnit
if they really were friends to me or the mutual friend
they wouldnt fucking flaunt it all

god fuck everything

everything is so fucked up

and it finally makes sense

and i wish it didnt

and i dont know what im going to do about it
3 suicides| Would you die for me?

*thrashes about and siezes* [03 Dec 2004|10:49pm]
k so tonight was my *be a self-pitying-recently-dumped-chick* night.

how so u may be asking?

well...i got my mom to get me chinese
and i watched the first half of Gone With the Wind

all of this after a like 30 min break down
and making plans for things next saturday

and i really wish people were being my friends
not only the 2 mentioned in my last entry
but all of my friends
i mean i don't hold it against them
i don't ask them for the one thing i need
so of course i don't expect them to give it to me
but it would be nice if one of them just like
knew me well enough that they know what i need
and some of them know me well enough
that they should be able to figure it out
but they havent
so sucks for me
oh fuck it
i swear
my entries will be much less self-pitying
but not tonight
tonight i need to curl up in a ball and escape
run away to childish fantasies
that i know will never come true
but that can make me forget about reality
and be ok until something brings me back
and it tends to be a someone
instead of something.
Would you die for me?

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]